I could hear the whisper of leaves hitting the grass at his feet. Ten minutes ago he was given a pound and told, 'Don't talk to anyone weird.' While he was gone, Dad stood on the back step and smoked a fag. I can hear Cal unzipping his coat now, back from buying mustard. I'm not sure I should be able to hear that from all the way upstairs, but nothing surprises me any more. I can hear the fat spitting, the slosh of gravy in the pan.
Instead, I grabbed my hat from the bedside table and yanked it on right over my eyes. He reached over and stroked my head, his fingers gently massaging my scalp.
If you do it for long enough, white lights dance in front of your eyes. 'If you won't talk about it, how can I help you?' he said, and he came over and sat on the edge of my bed. He stood silhouetted against the window, his hands on his hips. There was the afternoon, the tops of the trees, the sky. 'Look at that!' he said as light flooded the room. He walked over to the window and opened the curtains. They'll watch The X Factor, then they'll watch Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? After that, Cal will have a bath and go to bed and Dad'll drink beer and smoke until it's late enough for him to sleep. Dad'll have the lottery ticket and Cal will have chosen the numbers and they'll sit in front of the TV and eat dinner from trays on their laps. There'll be mash and cabbage and onion gravy too. It's gone a funny colour - red and charcoal all at once, like the day is bleeding out. Then I lie back down and look out at the sky.
There's a pen, but no paper, so on the wall behind me I write, I want to feel the weight of a boy on top of me. I sit up and switch on the bedside light. You're beautiful' - exactly those words - as he undressed me. He'd wear white pants and he'd be so gorgeous I'd almost faint. He wouldn't speak much, but he'd be breathing hard as he took off his leather jacket and unbuckled his jeans.
Whenever I wanted, I could get him out and he'd look at me the way boys do in films, as if I'm beautiful. I wish he lived in the wardrobe on a coat hanger.
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